all the diagnoses

since coleman was born, i have had a rash sort-of thing on my body.

that intensely itches.

can't sleep itch, scratch until i bleed itch, can't function itch.
just a never ending itch.

the itching part deserves its own post.

i've been told:

breast yeast infection.

not a breast yeast infection.

i need a liver cleanse.
candida.

there is no such thing as candida.

scabies.

(no one else in my house has scabies, but whatever.

we did the treatments and it did not help)

my body is having an allergic reaction to something.

this is what i do know:

i do not like gentian violet and i now hate purple.
i had a liver panel done that came back normal.

i do not have a auto-immune disease.

the candida diet is a great way to loose a lot of weight really fast.

steroids are a great way to gain all that weight back.

i have the most loving and devoted husband who has done everything in his power to keep me comfortable.

i think i am finally healing.

i'm off the steroids and the rash is not coming back.

i do not need anti-histamines every day anymore.
and i really hope this is 
the end.

i wish i knew what it was and how to avoid it again-
especially since it took 4 months to clear up.

they built a snowman

baby cole

beautiful

after smearing more cream on my angry, bruised skin yesterday,

i once again felt so ugly and discouraged.

then as i was walking out of my bedroom, i glanced out the window and saw the sunset.

it is hard to feel negative when i see something that beautiful.
it reminded me that He is here.

waiting

now i am playing the waiting game.
more biopsies have been sent off.  ugh.
we are waiting on a label.

waiting is hard.
especially when i do not feel good while life continues to spin around me.

next week i also have an allergist appointment.
maybe an allergy?
that would be an easy fix.
the dermatologist is thinking an autoimmune disease.
still trying to wrap my brain around those foreign words.

i feel like my body is failing me and my family.
deep down i know it could be worse.
but, this, this is what i am living right now.

i'm holding close to the Our Father:
...thy will be done...
...give us this day our daily bread...

i want God's will for my life and right now, this must be it.
He will give us what we need each day.

i need this space again.
i need to start documenting some positives.

of course the dishwasher broke!
only because i have 7 stitches and 3 holes in my right hand.
today after lunch the boys started washing dishes on their own.
they saw what needed to be done and did it.
i'm sure they would have rather been doing something (anything!) else.
it was very selfless of them.

today

me and my perfect baby.

fake smile on me,

a baby neck perfect for kissing,

and my sick body.

since my coleman sebastian has been here, my body has been sick.

it just can not heal.

most days are depressing, but something bigger than me keeps me going all day long.

even if it is just hour by hour.

this was a good part of a day; i was able to rock him to sleep.

all i want to be able to do is take care of my family and my home.

when i am better and i feel stressed and exhausted,

i want to remember how it felt to not be able to do my job that i love.

coleman's nicknames so far:

CJ

baby cole

chunk of cole

roley coley

cheeky cole

coles

(his legs are as delicious as his neck!)